Defining Friendships

Throughout my life, I've interacted with and gotten to know many different people, some of whom I call "friend." Each relationship has unique attributes and significance that can change over time. Friendships may be brief or lifelong, but each provides companionship and support during specific times or situations. They leave lasting impressions, ranging from profoundly positive to deeply damaging and everything in between.

I'm a massive fan of the John Wick franchise, and I recently took my family to see John Wick 4. A phrase in the movie got me thinking: "Friendship means little when it's convenient." As I've grown older, my perspective on different kinds of friendships has become much more straightforward. I've learned to value friendships more while recognizing the distinctions between them, appreciating each for what they are when they are. In my life, I've come to understand the value of friendships that go beyond convenience, as opposed to those that don't. I'd like to share my thoughts on the various types of friendships I've identified.

First, let's consider the definition of a "friend." It's subjective and open to individual interpretation, though we can all agree on specific characteristics of those we call friends. However, categorizing people within that term can be complicated and fluid, depending on the season of life and the relationship. Reflecting on this has helped me align my expectations with the reality of each relationship, investing in the ones that matter most, lowering expectations with others, being open to new ones, and appreciating each type and their purpose.

Though not an absolute list, I've categorized friendships into four categories: proximity, profession, promotion, and pleasure. I believe the common thread through all of these, at least initially, is shared interest or need and the letter "P". 😜

Friends by proximity:

These friendships develop due to the physical presence of people in our day-to-day lives. They're often convenient because of their location, making them easy to maintain. However, when circumstances change, like moving away, these friendships might fade or end abruptly. Recognizing the transient nature of these connections helps us manage our expectations and maintain a healthy perspective on their meaning. Examples include childhood friendships, school and college friendships, professional and work friendships, or neighbors.

Over the past ten years, this group has become the most obvious to me. I've moved a few times, changed jobs, and started working remotely. My proximity to people has changed a lot, and I've experienced the impact it can have on good and bad relationships. Proximity is the framework where 90% of our friendships originate.

Friends by profession:

These friendships come from our work environment, where we interact with people consistently. This can be internally (within the organization) or externally (those you interact with through the organization). These relationships can be easily confused over time but can develop into meaningful friendships. Remembering their seasonality is essential because many of them are built solely on your profession and the shared interests around the job. When job changes happen, we maintain a much smaller number of meaningful connections than we initially assumed. Regardless, these relationships contribute to a more meaningful work environment if you're fortunate enough to work with people you like. I'm lucky in this area of my life, but I'm also aware of which relationships go beyond profession and which don't. The older I get, the more I'm okay with that. It helps in managing expectations.

Friends by promotion:

These friendships involve one or both parties strategically benefiting from the relationship, usually falling within the profession category, but not always. While leveraging relationships for personal gain can be good, it's essential to recognize these connections for what they are and manage our expectations accordingly. If you've ever felt used by someone you thought was a friend, they may fall within this category. To be clear, this is how the real world works, and it serves a purpose that can be good. We need friends; in most cases, the need can originate from one person more than the other. This is the value of our education system, especially college and beyond – it's playing the networking game. There's the saying: "It's not what you know; it's who you know." Who you know can be the most essential currency in life, and just because there's a benefit tied to it doesn't mean it can't be genuine. If we're honest, most relationships have some level of this attached to them.

Friends by pleasure:

These are the friends we genuinely enjoy spending time with, regardless of circumstances. These are the ones that are referenced in John Wick 4. They defy convenience. On both sides, it's more of a selfless relationship than the other relationships in your life. They are loyal and trustworthy and usually require nothing but give everything. These rare connections persist even when it's inconvenient. Long-term friendships are often characterized by deep trust, loyalty, and understanding and usually fall within the pleasure category. I believe that's because these rare lifelong relationships have generally gone through many ups and downs, yet they've stuck together by choice. These relationships provide stability and continuity, offering emotional support and guidance during challenging times. In my life, I have about a dozen of these friends. A couple I've met over the last 10 years, many I've known for the last 25-30 years. These are the friendships where you deeply know and love one another, regardless of circumstances.

Final thoughts:

I use "friend" more strategically now, not just associating it with people I know, interact with frequently, or have known. I place more value on the word. Knowing many people is very different from having a meaningful relationship (or friendship) with them. Friendship takes time and investment, but it must originate from somewhere, so understanding the four types above can help us gain perspective on these relationships. It can be helpful to audit your life and see who you invest in and who reciprocates that back to you.

I've been fortunate in this area of my life. Many people may not know me, but the older I get, the less important that becomes. I don't need to be. I am known and cared for by a handful of people. I'm lucky to have several deep friendships and have had several more throughout my life. I'm not really one to use the term "best friend" because each of them is the best in their own right. These are my friends who fall into the pleasure category. We've decided to do life together on an intimate level and commit to investing in one another, whether convenient or not.