Exhausted With Clarity

Today, I am exhausted. But in a rare moment, it's made me see things more clearly. I've realized that most of my stress is self inflicted, it comes from inside me, not from what's going on around me. 

The tranquility that comes when you stop caring what they say. Or think. Or do. Only what you do.” - Marcus Antonius 

We all try to be the best we can be, and sometimes we fall short not necessarily in what we do, but in how we perceive ourselves. After days like the last few, I usually replay things I've done or said, wishing I could go back and make some edits like a blog post. This tendency to replay recent events in my mind takes away my joy and peace, leaving me anxious and frustrated.

But today, I'm starting to not care about the replay. What's done is done. I can't change the past, I can only deal with what's happening now. I find in the bigger scheme of life, most of what's happened before doesn't really matter much anyway, at least when it's given the space of a little time. We can all be hard on ourselves, and I often forget to humanize myself, just like I would for anyone else.

I've just given up and found peace in doing so. This battle ranges mostly in my mind, but today, it's less, and I don't care what it's telling me. I know I've done my best in these interactions to show love and care, be honest and sincere and show kindness. I may have let some people down, but I'm okay with it. Not because I don't want to do better, but because I know I can't change the past, or be perfect. I am beginning to be okay with that because I know I've tried my best, and that's all I can do. 

I've also realized that I can't control what other people do or think; this should be obvious, right. I've been caring too much about that; my concern for what others think and feel at times has been my own source of misery. But why? I'm only responsible for what I do, not for what anyone else does.

Today, I am grateful. I'm thankful for the understanding of what's really important and what isn't. That has become clearer today in my exhaustion because it's not crowded like weeds in a flowerbed overwhelming me with what I should have said or done differently. I'm grateful for the people who love me, and won't worry about the ones that don't. And right now, I'm so tired that I just don't care about all the stuff that usually bothers me. I'm out of words, out of thoughts, and it's peaceful.