I Am Not That Young

This evening, I find myself once again enjoying the simplicity and majesticness of a sunset here in Carlsbad, CA. Dressing in my life uniform, shorts, hoodie, and flip-flops is a picture of contentment for someone like me. With my phone softly playing the Tomasz Stanko Quartet in the background, I am drawn into a sea of thoughts, considering this odd thing we call life. Memories of my dear paw-paw come to mind; how he would often sit in his chair in the later years of his life, letting the old Irish music carry him away as he stared out of his living room window. I cannot help but wonder if this is a rite of passage we all subconsciously take part in as we age, losing ourselves in reflections and contemplating life.

On the menu of thought this evening is aging. These last few weeks have really opened my eyes to the aging process in many ways. In one sense, it's something I embrace. In other ways, it's something to hedge against while acknowledging it is inevitable. We are all aging all the time, but I am watching those close to me cross thresholds that are significant in terms of their body, mind, and well-being.

What does it mean to get old? Is it just a number, a mindset, both, or neither? How do we gauge the transition from youth to middle age and then to old age? In terms of cosmic scale, our existence is a mere vapor in the grand nature of time. So, in that sense, we are all young, very young. However, our bodies begin to tell a different story. They chronicle the passage of time; the wrinkles, grey hairs, the aches, the pains. Not only that, but for me, as time has passed, my values have evolved, and my perspectives on life have begun to alter.

I've prided myself on maintaining good physical health, and for the most part, I have, but over the last few years, my body has been serving subtle reminders of its wear and tear, its aging. I now find myself waking up to inexplicable aches and pains from sleeping, sleeping! My left knee once again gave out on me this evening as I scaled some stairs. Where stairs were once a welcomed challenge to conquer, they now pose a dilemma to be assessed and approached with caution; my enneagram five kicks in, deciphering the strategic benefits or consequences of the choice before me.

All the while, my mind feels young, my thoughts clearer, and my decisions are more of my own, not made by being influenced. My restlessness and yearning for adventure have not waned, and I still laugh at the childish jokes of my friends and make many myself. My love for life and my soul's desire for newness, adventure, and experience haven't dimmed with age. I'd argue the opposite: I am more driven to experience all life has to offer.

In some ways, I've changed a lot, and in other ways, I'm the same childish person I was as a teenager. This makes me question – am I old, young, and really, does it even matter?

Recently, an app gained popularity, offering a glimpse of our aged selves through AI-generated images. Like most trends, it was short-lived, but it did strike a chord with many people. Many posted pictures of their aged selves. We are all intrigued by the passage of time and probably wonder when we will cross that threshold where our reflection becomes a mere stranger to ourselves.

Movies often serve as a mirror to life, and one particular scene in the comedy "LIFE" resonates with me. It portrays a moment that awaits us all, and we are all curious about, where the world morphs into something unrecognizable, not just through societal evolution but also through the personal transformations we undergo, both physically and mentally.

As I sit here typing away on my iPad, the wrinkles are carving their way through my skin, and the grey hairs are flourishing within my beard, yet I still see myself. I still recognize myself. But, like Marin Lawrence in Life, my perception of the world around me has undergone some change. I find myself delving deeper into the essence of life and questioning my earlier beliefs. The carefree nature of my younger days is finding its way back into my day-to-day, less worried but more thoughtful. My perspectives on relationships, my place in the world, and even my very identity have all begun to shift.

This moment, like many lately, might be the dawn of realization that I am, indeed, getting older. The Tomasz Stanko Quartet!?!? The process of aging sifts through the sands of my values, refining and redefining what I hold dear. As my introspection deepens, I notice a transformation in my priorities and values. The pursuit of accomplishments has taken a back seat to the allure of experiences. Though my drive remains the same, my understanding of the word 'life' has been redefined, shifting the attention and efforts of that drive in different directions. I'm sure I'll frequently revisit these thoughts, but for now, I've recognized that I'm not old. Like Owen Wilson in this brilliant scene in Wedding Crashers, I am not that young.