Sadness

Last night, I was lying in bed, scrolling through hundreds of old pictures, and found myself in a place I frequently visit - sadness. I miss New York. A lot of memories were made there, memories that are unique to that place. There is no place like it.

But the truth is, I am not sure that's why I was sad. My kids were much younger in these pictures—not younger in terms of measuring years, but definitely in terms of how they've matured. A 13-year-old is much different from a 7-year-old, even though 6 years are not long. We did so much together in that five-year window. Those were their childhood years. I miss the many things we did just in our routine. It's hard not to make memories in that place.

But really, I miss that season of life in the city with my family in that window of time. My kids are teenagers now. I look back and realize the elementary school years are precious. I love them just as much now, but I miss that version of them in that environment together.

It is not about regretting leaving or hoping to move back someday. It's about a time in life that I'll never get back. My kids would no longer choose to reach for my hand to hold as we walked through the park together. I'll never experience that again. I can never recreate it. We did the right thing, of course. But it doesn't mean it doesn't still sting a bit. I've learned to recognize where that sting comes from. It's not about the city itself; it's about the experiences I had with the ones I love the most in the place I love the most. Remove the people from the place, and it's not the same.

Life is about being thankful for the seasons you've had, and the season you're in because everything does end at some point. I try hard to have this perspective and to be thankful, but some days are much more challenging than others.

This is a good thing for me. You don't get sad about things you don't care about or miss or things that didn't impact your life. Sadness is different from regret. I'll choose to maximize this new season of raising teenagers, and I'll pick sadness, followed by thankfulness.