Disappointment

Disappointment comes for all of us, whether directly affecting us or a loved one. We all deal with it throughout our lives, and it can take various forms, some much worse than others. Today was one of those days when disappointment knocked on my door. I expected it, but the sting of what felt like rejection was still alive and well. I wouldn't say I like it when things feel inaccessible for myself or my family, and I struggle when I think that I cannot help make a way or have a complete lack of control over a situation. Maybe after 41 years, this is how I cope, but I've learned a process that has helped me.

Here is my process:

Control is an illusion. We believe we control way more than we do. We can make choices, but we do not always control outcomes. My goal is always to make the best choices to influence whatever outcomes I can, but I also recognize that sometimes things happen, and it is what it is. This is the hardest part for me. I like to feel that I can control things, and when it is proven that I cannot, the hard work for me begins.

Allow me some time to feel and think. I like to give myself space to react. I usually prefer this to be private; most of the time, it's within my emotions and mind. I don't like to publicly "act out." I am human, and I feel. Today, I reacted with fighting words, refusing to allow my family to feel less than. What I wanted to say, I did not do so publicly, but I got it out in my own way. If we go down, we go down together. I hope I always live this way.

Begin to put things into proper perspective. Feelings matter, but issues of reality more. The quicker we reach a larger perspective aligned with reality, the better. Today, my wife, my kids, and I were disappointed with the outcome. But when we zoom out and look at life, we have much to be thankful for. There are much worse situations that people face in life. Things do not always go our way, but many things have. I've been to some of the most challenging and poorest places in this world, and while we deal with problems, they are relatively small and should be viewed as manageable. We have a lot to be thankful for, and when a few things do not go as we hope, they should be put within a much larger perspective.

Recognize that, in most cases, it is recoverable. There is a difference between disappointment and devastation. In some cases, the only difference between the two is our outlook. But devastation for me is reserved for only the few things in life that are truly terrible. A life-altering disease, the death of a loved one, something tragic. We can all think of a few things that can make that list. But disappointment is different. It is something we can recover from quickly. We can learn from it, something that can make us better. We cannot allow disappointment to be viewed as devastation.

It is still a human game we play. We live in a world with a foundation of human free will. Institutions are human; everything we interact with has a level of human involvement. With that, we shouldn't emphasize what did or didn't happen to cause disappointment. It gives other humans too much power over our lives. Why would we allow another person's choices to harm our well-being? We get up, decide to move on, and learn from it.

It might be what is best. Going back to perspective, most things work out or are just forgotten. With time, many things are just not that big of a deal. And in some cases, it is what is best for us. As Garth Brooks once said, "One of God's greatest gifts is unanswered prayers." While I am pretty sure this is not in the Bible yet, I believe there is some truth here. I've been disappointed a lot in my life, but in many cases, that disappointment actually turned out to be good. I've been disappointed that things did not happen in a moment, only to now look back and be thankful they didn't.

Today felt like a rejection of my son and one of my family. It was how I felt in the moment we got the news. But honestly, it wasn't rejection. They do not know us. They made a decision with minimal but specific information. I know how these things work. The reality is that it is their loss more so than ours. They won't say that, nor will they think twice about this decision and care, but we must move forward with that confidence, not out of bitterness, but because we believe it to be accurate, because we know who we are. And over time, it is the best thing for us.